I’ve never been able to admit when I’m wrong. I guess this time is no exception. I’ve been in part hell/part bliss for the last year of my life. And I know why. Everyone does.
Everyone said that it was crazy and it would never work, and it took about six months to start truly breaking down. I wish and I pray— and I wish, but wishing on a star isn’t exactly working. But I’m not ready to admit that I am wrong. Not on this feeling that I have about us. Nothing else makes sense but it gets even more confusing without him. One day I’ll be able to pull away from the hold he seems to have on me, and all the women he encounters. It’s probably because he gives it all in potential and then snatches it all away. He snatches away the hope, the compassion, the caring. After a year, I feel as though I don’t even know him. And he feels nothing. So why does he stay?
Question of the year: Is it the security of the position, home, and life we’ve built together?
I guess I have to program myself to feel the same thing he does. I’d rather be numb than feeling the roller-coaster I feel on a daily basis. Anything has to be better than this. I keep thinking back on my old relationships and instead of just cheating on the guy when I feel as though the relationship isn’t working out, I can’t do it. I can’t even think about doing it. Is it because I’ve really grown up? Or is it because though the relationship isn’t working out, I’m trying to force it to?
This isn’t a situation where one person is holding on and the other is pulling away. We are both holding on to something that has broken to pieces right in our hands, but we are holding on to the pieces for dear life. The beauty of what it used to be. What it still could be if we could stand the sight of each other for one whole week.
Part of why I think I care so much, unlike I have in the past, is because this has to be the most unselfish and caring I’ve ever been to and of any man. I think of him night and day, and if I realize I’m not thinking of him, I begin to think of him again. I think of his needs before mine. Just now, I randomly thought of his raggedy wallet and how because he needs it replaced, I should order one for him.
This blog well help me vent. And hopefully get over his ass. Desperate times call for desperate measures.