He begun to suck my breast, my body reflexively jerk being caught off guard. He had been sick, last night; was knocked out after soup, crackers and Nyquil. I was surprised that he was feeling so much better this morning but I never imagined there would be morning wood.
I hesitated; thinking you just started getting better and I don’t want you to get worked up I told him; but he wanted to get worked up, there is never a reason for not having morning wood; we both had an understanding. My body had made its decision, I was wet. He started to kiss me slowly my neck, by my back…. and before I realized my body had surrendered entirely but my mind had not.
For me the conflict was normal between my mind and my body, one saying no the other saying yes and sometimes I am able to get them both on the same page. Flash back “a week ago” I was telling him that I don’t feel his surrender when we, have sex, make love… etc. to which he responded I guess I am not all emotionally checked in that is more of a woman issue.
While sex is the act of two people, sometimes within that finds one person connected, aware, plugged in fully emotionally. My highly developed predictive brain went ahead of my pussy. It calculated the time that was available before he had to go to work, factored in the formulaic possibility of an orgasm, and made the decision that there was not enough time or enough emotional connectivity that would yield an orgasm. So while my pussy stayed wet, and my boyfriend was on top trying to hold back from cuming, my mind decided it was not going to.
In that instant I thought to myself why am I not cuming? And the answer was a clear answer in a whisper from the loins of my universe, “you don’t trust him to take care of your needs.” At that exact moment as if he pried to the conversation I was having in my head my boyfriend stops and asks “what’s wrong, are you ok, what’s wrong?” I couldn’t find the words, there were no words, he was connected to me…. he knew in that moment that my mind was not with my pussy and so he simply slowed down auditory stimulated me and tried to use his body to tell my mind that he was here, present and willing.
Afterwards I realized that there had been times with other people and maybe even sometimes him that I was there but they did not wait for me, they came before I did and I was left on a horny everest trying to figure a way down without self-pleasure or death from an interlude of someone trying to get re-hard. My brain being as smart as it is redefined my pussy coming to a “permission basis system” in which it allows or disallows orgasm depending on whether or not it calculated that I knew that I was going to cum; which is a catch 22 because it doesn’t let me based on its own formula.
When I asked why can’t I come and I got the answer, I realized that there needed to be a paradigm shift in the way my mind controls sex and the ideal outcome. I have to trust that he will take care of my needs regardless, that way my brain does not need the power to calculate or project whether or not it will allow me to explode.